Saturday, October 15, 2011

Failure to Thrive Syndrome

I am smiling again. I got my wife back after a long, long absence. When we anticipated being empty-nesters, I did not guess that it would be me alone in the nest. After our wonderful trip to the UK and Switzerland, Sheila stayed in London and partied with Chelsea; then visited Darcee in Portland to help with Keith's treatment; and finally went to Eugene to hang out with Little Evelyn. To say I missed her would constitute a ginormous understatement. Seriously, there were moments were I was pretty sure I wouldn't (and couldn't) make it another day.

For centuries, nursery workers have been aware of an obscure diagnosis to explain mysterious infant and children motality--Failure to Thrive Syndrome. I was pretty sure that I was suffering from this potential fatal ailment. While visiting my attending physician, Dr. Brett DeGooyer, for some minor lumbago symptoms, he in fact, verified the diagnosis. I have always thought him a wise physician, but his ability to hone in on this diagnosis like a laser shot, was well, beyond impressive. Fortunately, the cure for this most serious of conditions is pretty simple--gobs and gobs of TLC. The She-wolf is back in the nest, so friends and family members need not worry that I continue to suffer, nor that my life is still precipitously dangling in doubt.

In describing my near death experience to a doubting friend, I felt the need to show him the prescription written by my doctor. I have attached this very real and valid document lest there are others that doubt my experience, or are simply curious about this diagnosis. Regardless, rest assured that I am once again thriving and happy!

Monday, October 10, 2011

How Do You Measure A Man?

I'm helping my dad make his Halloween costume this year. In an effort to complete his costume in an efficient and accurate manner I sent him an email asking him for his measurements.
Here is his EXACT response:


The obvious answers are as follows:

1. All the way around the largest part of your chest: Massive and strong like a bull

2. All the way around the largest part of your arms: Massive and hard like hammers

3. Shoulder to shoulder: Massive and muscular like the demigods.

4. Waist: Tiny and svelte I’m sure

5. Belly button to knee: Long and strong like an Olympian.

Actually, I don’t know any of these measurements.

So I’ll have to go home and measure and then let you know tomorrow.

thanks so much for doing this.


After receiving this email, I promptly emailed my mom for some help.

She measured my Dad and sent back an email, but not before my Dad was

able to type several "additions" to the correct measurements.

Here is an EXACT copy of the second email:

syd: thanks so much for your help. Our clan must stick together. and now for my pathetic stats:
Chest: 44 --huh? You mother apparently doesn't know how to take a simple measurement.

Arms: 15.5--say what? why do they look like massive anacondas
when I pose in the mirror after showering then?!

Waist: 35--Hmmmm? Must be measuring in centimeters.
There is no possibility that my "Big Ab" is girthier than 32".

Belly to knee: 21. No comment. I have always been a Hobbit.

Shoulder to shoulder: 19--who knew that measuring tapes could be defective,
and that your mother would be so careless as to buy a defective item.
Thanks mucho!

After reading both of these emails, I realized one thing:
My father is an immeasurable man in more ways than one.